Sex with my teacher

This boy comes home from school one day and says to his mother, "I had sex with my teacher today."

His mom sends him to his room and says "Your father will talk to you when he gets home". So the Dad walks in and says, "I know I'm supposed to be mad at you and all, but I'm actually proud. Some people never even have sex and you're only 10! I'm gonna buy you the best bicycle there is." So he takes him to a toy store and buys him the best bike he can find.

When they're walking home the Dad asks, "Aren't you going to ride your bike?" and the Kid replies, "No, my ass still hurts."

Two churches

In a small town there were only two churches, one at each end of town; nearly everyone in town attended one or the other every Sunday. The respective pastors got by without cars and either walked or bicycled when getting around town.

One Saturday they happened to meet, one on his bike, the other on foot. "Brother, where is your bicycle?" asked the first one.

"Well," replied the second, "I'm not sure; either it's been stolen, or I rode it somewhere and then forgot and walked back home."

"Here's what we can do," said the first. "In our sermons tomorrow we will preach on the Ten Commandments, and we will emphasize 'thou shalt not steal.' That way, if someone has taken it or has found it, he will perhaps be moved to return it."

They agreed to do that and went their way. Two days later they met again; the second preacher was on his bike again. "Say, brother," said the first, "I see that one of our sermons did the trick."

"Well, yes," the second responded, "It was mine, but not in the way we intended. When I got to 'thou shalt not commit adultery,' I remembered where I left it."